A Dark Ghost Adrift
The night presses in, heavy and airless
No stars. No wind
Only the throb behind my eyes
And the weight of something unseen
Curling closer with each breath
My jaw aches from clenching
Shoulders hunched as if bracing for impact
Though nothing has struck me
Not yet
There’s no sound but the twitch of nerves,
The faint crackle of something just out of reach,
As if reality itself is fraying at the edges
Something trails me, not with footsteps, but with memory
The silence is bruised, by the encroaching dread
A flicker in the periphery, gone before I can look
Trailing smoke through the folds of my mind
Tension rises from my shoulder blades
Burrowing its way up my neck
There is no way to lie or rest which will relieve it
Pain courses through my skull
Tearing at my nervous system
I recoil in denial and distress
How many times will I have to endure this?
Seized with a sudden madness
Sick of running from this ravenous dragon
Though filled with apprehension and doubt
I commit to chasing the seething, wild monster
A blur of white wisps trailing from it's slender scaly body
Dodging through the darkened landscape
Each twist and turn of the beast a challenge
A test of my resolve to chase it down
To face it head-on
A relentless pool of tears welled up inside
An outpouring of the ocean buried inside
Erupting to carve their way down my naked cheeks
Leaving rivulets and pock marks in their wake
Each time deepening the gullies
Each time searing them with burnt orange pain
Lava flows from the strangest of places
In the most surprising ways
On and on the molten river of tears flowed
Until I broke through them
To find myself inside
A murky, damp tunnel
Descending with trepidation
Downwards, in the eerie feeble light
Stumbling, groping the dank musty walls
Finally I came upon an small cavern
With someone... or at least some thing inside
There, sitting on a long bench, was a black, hairy creature
Who’s shape I could not make out in the shadows
Frozen, griped in panic, heart racing
Fearful of what it might be
My urge to turn back so powerful
My reflex to flee this sinister enigma
Paralysed as I was, curiosity sprouted
As a tiny seedling becoming firm and strong
What on earth was this grim figure
It's breath slow and laboured
Skin and shape hard to define
Gradually, in the light of my newfound courage, it became clear
It was sadness. My sadness
That part of me I had denied, pushed away
Run from out of alarm and dread
Much to my own astonishment, I sat on the bench beside it
My body stiff in apprehension, breathing shallow, uneasy
In time, some of the discomfort drained away
I even shuffled closer to this nebulous stranger
Who had lived inside me unseen
Unacknowledged all my life
Somehow there'd be no space for it to come to rest
A dark ghost adrift with no home
But here, now, in this seminal moment
I let go and simply sat with it
Without any urge to change it, just to experience it’s presence
In the stillness of the abyss, as time melted away
My resistance slowly faded into acceptance
A gradual wave of calm, riding on a soft light
Sweeping over the horizon and through my being
An old foe gradually becoming a new friend
When I sensed I’d reached my limit, I rose to leave
No words or gestures necessary
An unspoken pact was formed: I would no longer need to run
I would embrace its arrival, honouring it with the dignity it deserved
I would carve out space in my body, in my heart
For this integral part of me
In conquering the dragon of pain, I found freedom
Allowing me to embrace my deepest struggles without fear
Original BKK July 2024 Revised March 2025