The Fog of Distance

@endorphinmonkey Cafe Melb Apr 2023

The fog swirled across the distant hills, rolling down the valleys and drifting upwards to begin again.

All in slow motion, all devoid of intent, it’s purpose absent.

Emily watched in fascination at the majesty of the liquid air as it undulated and gyrated to an ancient rhythms, unknown to her.

Another sunless day would leave the fog to spend it’s time meandering and wandering aimlessly.

A thought popped into her mind, she watched it form. Then slide away into the fog to disappear into its velvety mist. She wondered if it was important and that too slid away to be submerged.

She saw a face, it looked familiar but she could not hold it for more than a few seconds. Perhaps she knew this person, in another life. She watched that slide away. It was not blissful in the fog, not peaceful, it was jut emptiness, a sunless cell.

She couldn’t escape the feeling that something was wrong…..Perhaps with the world, perhaps with others, perhaps with her. That maybe she was a gem that had been broken.

She thought she heard a conversation, in the distance. An echo rolling across a vast sea only to realise they were sitting next to her in the cafe, and then they were gone.

She heard a bird sing, it was so wonderfully beautiful. It carried her soul from the sunless cell out through the tiny window, towards a light, that suddenly vanished. She fell backwards, into the deep wide ravine, the bubbles of her breath floating ever upwards to a surface she may never see. Falling, falling into the blackness, no time, no light, no thoughts, just bubbles.

Into the blackness she once feared, into the void of feeling, emotion, suffering, joy. Just empty blackness, no resistance.

When it began she was terrified, that she would become lost here, that this place of numbness would engulf her, but that was a lifetime ago, a distant memory of her…….. before.

When it began it was short, the fade into the darkness and she would come to the surface gasping for oxygen. Sun blinding her, the noise of the ocean carried her back to the shore.

She would lay on the sand breathing deeply, her mind spinning until everything became solid again. The inescapable feeling was still there, that she had broken something, or that it had always been fragmented.

She told no one about the slips, she hid behind the facade of normalcy, a stolen blanket from her childhood. Each time she came up for air she would feel the dampness in her shoes.

She went for a walk in the sunshine, the bright light was soothing, safe, warm. She felt something moist on the back of her hand but paid no attention. The sun was hiding for a moment and the coolness was almost pleasant. She felt another feint splash of softness on her face. She wondered where the warm sun had gone, why it had abandoned her, where it had it gone to?

She though she heard a bird sing and swung around to look for it. The song seamed so familiar. Perhaps it flew away.

A clear droplet of moisture landed in her hair, it was drizzle, the lightest of rain. So she continued wading through the ocean into the darkness without noticing she was even wet. Each time deeper, each time longer until she was drowning in the blackness that she never saw coming.

A bird chirped it’s song on the surface, it’s tune so lighthearted.

Her friend rang her. Where have you been? Why don’t you reply to my messages, she stared at the screen, then went to find her slippers. She was sure she’d left them in the laundry where she put on her outside shoes. From room to room she wandered, unable to see them. She found some clothes and picked them up to put in the washing. The thirst became noticeable, in the kitchen was a glass half full of water, perhaps she’d left it before?

The dog across the road barked, she looked out the window, it was raining. The cold in her feet began the search for her slippers, she saw the time, what did it mean. In the fridge were was some bread but nothing to put on it, in the cupboard were unopened jars of jam and peanut butter. The water in the glass tasted of perfume and sweat. A bird chirped and sang for a bit.

The phone rang, the tune was nice, she watched the screen, it was Jenny again. She let it ring out. It rang again, startling her a bit this time. Her finger hovered over the button. The dog across the street barked and she accidentally touched the screen. ‘Hey Emmy, how are you?’. There was a long pause. ‘I’m OK.’

‘Why haven't you been answering my texts and calls?’ The was a definite tone of accusation and disappointment. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve been busy.’ It was the best she could do. Jenny spent some time talking about something that sounded important but her mind had already drifted. ‘So that’s why you need to come Saturday, OK?’. ‘Um yeah ok, I’ll be there’. There was no conviction in her response, she wasn’t even sure what she’d agreed to.

She didn’t remember putting on the diving suit. The thick rubbery orange material full of creases like the ones in her mind. Not even sure who put on the bubble space helmet, but once on there was this strange echo. Her breathing so loud, her heartbeat normally soft thudded it’s melodic beat. There was no hot or cold, no energy, no feeling of her skin. No contact of her feet on the ground, no rage, no screaming, no hunger, only distant sounds.

She pulled up outside Jenny’s house to a clamour of cars. The door was open, she went inside to find garish smiling faces. There was the heavy thud of music, louder than her own heartbeat.

‘Do you want a drink?’ She mouthed some words but didn't hear them. She grabbed the glass, it tasted wet. Jenny pulled her arm, come with me there’s someone I want you to meet. Dragged out the back, outside.

‘This is Tom. Tom this is Emmie.’ Jenny smiled bright, full of hope. Emily watched Toms mouth open and close, she nodded and forced a smile. Tom looked fabulous but all she could hear was her breathing, her heartbeat mixed with the pounding of the bass beat.

Tom smiled, his teeth were so white, how does anyone get teeth like that. The drink was wet and tasted acrid, acidic. Tom made hand gestures suggesting he would be back.

She looked around the kaleidoscope of faces, they were having a good time. Whatever that was. Some dancing, most singing. She heard a chirp and went looking, down the back, out the gates and found it. Next to her car, sitting in a tree, the song was sweet.

The car door opened, she sat but forgot to lift her leg. As the door closed something stopped it, she tried again. Then she felt it, the pain, it shot up from down there and registered as sharp, intense electric zapping. Just for a moment, she’d felt something instead of nothing. It woke her, if only for a few seconds. Where was she, how did she get here. Was she going somewhere? The acidic taste in her mouth remained. The blood poured down her shin, the red so rich and vibrant, it oozed slowly painting her skin.

The doorbell rang. By reflex she answered it without thinking. It was the bird. ‘Hi’, ‘Hi’, ‘Do you want to come outside?’, ‘What?’. ‘Come outside in the sunshine’, ‘Um ok’. ‘You can take the suit off’, ‘What suit?’. The bird moved behind her and held the helmet, turning it slowly, softly. A heavy click and the air rushed in, she gasped for oxygen, not even aware she had been drowning. The bird unzipped the suit and she stepped out. She reached out her hand as they crossed the street into the park. Ass he spoke she recognised the song, the sweet melody of her friend.

‘Where have you been?’ She asked. The bird laughed so hard, stopping to hold its knees. ‘Where have I been? I’ve been here all along. You goose, I’ve been right in front of you.’ The both laughed and laid on the grass. Looking up at the clouds floating past. ‘Why didn’t you come sooner?’ The bird punched her arm. ‘I’m sorry’ she began to say but was interruped. ‘We’re here now, let’s just enjoy it’.

They lay for hours as the darkness faded, not gone, just not as overpowering.

‘I missed you said the bird’. ‘I missed me too’ she replied. ‘I don’t even know where I’ve been.’

‘I couldn’t hear you for a while. I felt lost’, ‘Oh sorry, I had to go somewhere to help a friend. Do you want some chocolate?’ Yeah. She bit the soft block and waited, letting it melt in her mouth, the rich flavours and textures smothering her tongue. It was so overwhelming tears streamed down he cheeks filling her ears with salt. ‘That’s the best chocolate I’ve ever had’, ‘That’s what you said last time.’

The suns rays penetrated her skin and warmed her bones, the soft grass smelt of earth and leaves. She wondered if she could stay?